This is my first entry and honestly it is probably going to be the hardest.

The truth is, my journey in love has not been smooth.  I’ve had my heart broken many times and I feel the time has come to share my hurt, anger, frustration and loss.  I know there is someone out there that is feeling the way I feel.  I’m tired.  I’m angry.  I’m honestly just feeling like there is no hope.  No hope to truly find someone that will cherish me and my kids, our love and respect me and my feelings.  I’m 44 years old and honestly if it hasn’t happened by now, it’s not going to.

I know there are three sides to every story; mine, yours and the truth.  The truth is that I’ve been 100% honest and truthful in this relationship and it seems like it didn’t matter. I’ve lived in this state of numbness now for several years and I’m tired.  Tired of feeling lonely in my relationship,tired of being let down and tired of compromising over and over only to get hurt over and over.  I’ve lost so much respect for the other person and I can’t seem to get out of this feeling of hatred and vengeance. I’ve also lost respect for myself.

Most people who know me think I am happy go lucky.  Some people think that I am a little distracted because my energy is so high.  Some say I am a go-getter, a hustler, I am the person you want on your team. That is not what my Husband would say.  If you were to ask my Husband he would say I am controlling, vengeful and angry.  He likes to drink and I’m not that big of a drinker.  He would drink every day if he could.  My Husband has an addictive personality but he doesn’t think so at all.  I truly think he is an alcoholic, but he doesn’t agree.  Don’t get me wrong I like to have a drink every now and then but I don’t drink every day.  I drink when I am celebrating and often when socializing.  I rarely get drunk. This was not always the case, I used to be a drinker and yes, I have even done drugs before.  I’m not proud of it and I am not the same girl I used to be when I met him.

When I met my Husband I will admit I was under the influence and so was he.  I never ever thought we would end up together and I didn’t think I’d fall in love.  I had just ended a pretty bad relationship (will get to that later) and I met him when I was not feeling too great.  He was fun, could dance really well and honestly he was a distraction.  I needed a distraction.  I never meant to fall in love.

I fell in love.  I remember we had met at a bar, danced several dances and had a blast and a day or so later he called to ask me on a date.  I didn’t think I’d ever hear from him again so I was really surprised when he called.  I went on that date and I had a great time.  We talked about our families, I told him about my son and how I had raised him on my own.  We talked about lots of things but we talked.  We had a great evening.  I can remember it like it was yesterday.  I still remember the Cabela’s shirt he wore when I met him at the bar at the restaurant.  We had a blast but we started on a bad note, we shouldn’t have but we drank a lot and did drugs that first night.

I know it was stupid.  I should have never let it happen but you’ll see that I’m not as strong as I want to be.  I seem to give him too easily and often compromise when I shouldn’t.  After that night he never went home.  He ended up meeting my son right away (something I do not ever do) and we dated for a while but he sort of moved in without really moving in. Not sure if that makes sense.

I remember hearing “Thinking about you” from Trisha Yearwood about a week or so after our first date and it reminded me of him. I knew I loved him.  I don’t know if I ever really loved anyone like that. I thought I loved others but this was different.  I could feel it and every time I thought of him I smiled.  My coworkers laughed at me, said I was crazy and that it was going to pass.  I usually only lasted three months with anyone and they were sure he’d be gone soon.

I was to graduate that same year we met from college.  I had worked so hard to put myself through school (I’m still paying for it) and I wanted to prove to my son that I could finish. He was there for that big day and helped with the celebration party.  It was awesome and I was having the time of my life.

But something was not right.  Something was bothering me and I didn’t know what it was. If you ask me, if you think there is something going on there probably is.  About the time I was to graduate I noticed that he was always talking on the phone and walked out of a room when I was in there to talk on the phone.  I didn’t think anything of it at the time until he started getting phone calls late late at night.  Turns out he was talking to other women.  Yeap, living with me and still talking to others.  I think he was doing more than talking but I never had physical proof.  Later it would just be text and phone calls but it happened over and over again.

Remember I said I was in love….stupid love makes you think you can work through relationship problems.  So here I am ten years later and I’m telling you it doesn’t.