So my Husband came home this morning to take a shower after our fight last night he didn’t even seem to care about me or what happened.  To him it seems like just another day.  He’s always just let things slide, never taking ownership for anything at all.  So what does he do?

He just came in took a shower, got his sweats cause I had thrown out his work clothes and left.  I asked him before he left when he planned to come get his clothes and he said he would call later.  There was no emotion, no warmth, nothing.  All he did was ask about his plug to his computer.  He didn’t say good bye.  I shouldn’t be surprised, he hasn’t told me he loves me in who knows how long.  He hasn’t kissed me unless it’s when we have had sex.  He doesn’t hug me.  He doesn’t do anything to show effection.

I prayed a lot last night.  I asked for help in getting through this.  I have to be prepared and have to accept that we might not come back from this.  He left and didn’t even call me or apologize for what he did last night.  He made me look like the jerk in front of the kids when he promised several times that he would not drink.  The agreement was no drinking during the week and depending on the situation he could possibly drink on weekends for special occasions only.  The mistake I made is that we both drank on Friday when we went out with friends.  You know the old saying “If you give someone an inch….” well he took way more than that again.  He drank on Monday too when we went to eat lunch at Applebee’s.  We were off for the last two days, we decided to take off to spend time with each other and get stuff done around the house.  He has been working on an addition to our house, an office for me.  We didn’t do any of the spending time together except for lunch on Monday and honestly it’s because he wanted to drink. He was sliding and I should have seen it coming.

Last night when I came home from my parents house I could tell he had been drinking.  He had made dinner which I do appreciate but I could clearly see he was buzzed.  I asked him how many beers he had and he said one.  There is no way his speech should have been that impaired with just one beer.  I knew he was lying.  I got mad and he told the kids to eat dinner and that he was leaving.  Said he worked hard the last two days on the house and deserved to have some beer.  I told him that we had agreed there was no drinking during the week, he said this was a special occasion. I said there was not a special occasion and asked him again how many beers he had, he still said one.

He started walking to the bedroom to grab his stuff and Christopher started crying and he told me in front of him that this was my fault that I was always trying to control everything.  So he got his stuff and walked out.  I got really mad and shouldn’t have thrown his stuff out but I did. He went to move his work truck so he could get his jeep or truck to leave and I was an asshole and grabbed his work clothes and jacket and threw it outside.  I shouldn’t have gotten that mad. I should have just let the beer thing go but I’m tired.  I’m tired of trying to make things work.  I’m tired of trying to be a wife when all I am to him is a Mom and a roommate.

I’m going to assume that we are not going to recover.  I think there is too much hurt between us now.  Too much to get past, too much to forgive.

I asked God for help to understand and accept that I may be alone again.  It sucks. I’m 44 and have truly given all I can and honestly feel like relationships for me are not meant to be.  I’m truly sad, my heart is hurting but there is not much I can do when the other person doesn’t see how I feel.

I cannot continue to let him tear us apart. I cannot let the kids see that drinking every day is OK and being drunk often is OK.  I want them to be proud of me and not feel sorry for me because I chose to love someone who doesn’t love us enough to quit.

So it’s time to move on.  Time to get my life straight.

I seriously want to just cry right now, I want to roll up in a ball and just cry.  I want to hide from the world but I can’t.  I have kids.  I have to make things work for them.  I will need to hold it together so that they can see that I am not completely broken.  He has taken another piece of my heart but I am strong…I have always had to be and will continue to be strong to get us through this.