What do I do?

I’m not the one to blame.  I tried so hard to make things work, I did.  I compromised over and over and over.  He even said I gave him eight chances so why do I feel so sad?  Why do I have this big hole in my heart right now?

I hate feeling this way.  I hate that I feel so alone.  I can’t talk to anyone because if I tell them about what he has done they will not like him and if I make the stupid mistake of letting him come back again I am the idiot.

He doesn’t abuse me.  He has never hurt me physically.  He has broken my heart several times and his lack of respect and consideration seems to get worse every time we get back together.

I can’t be with someone who thinks it’s OK to lie.  I can’t be with someone who feels he has to drink every day.

So why am I the one that is so sad?

Why do I feel like I am to blame?

I want to cry…I know I will cry.  I know that I will end up crying my eyes out tonight and he doesn’t care.  He’s not here.  He left.  I am going to end up alone. I am going to end up old and alone.  My kids are growing up, they will leave the house and I will be alone.  I can take care of myself, I always have but I don’t understand why I always end up here.

What am I doing wrong?  I know I can be a bitch.  I have become a bitch because of the things that men have done.  I hate being this way and honestly I just want to be happy.  But it never happens that way at least not for me.  I always end up here.

Sad, yet again.