I’ve been cheated on more than once.  It is awful.  Just saying that gives me a bad pain deep in my stomach that makes me want to wretch. Cheating hurts really bad and it is often hard to forgive.  The weird thing is that I feel like I could take cheating with another person over alcoholism any day.  I know that sounds horrible, I know that it must sound ridiculous but I don’t know what to do any more.

I’m tired of competing with beer and tequila and sometimes drugs.  I’m tired of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells because he is in a bad mood.  I am not a drinker, I don’t know what it is like to have to need something that bad.  I used to drink a lot, I mean a lot but I never ever felt like I couldn’t live without it.

He says he had a good day and wants to celebrate.  We just celebrated Friday evening.  We celebrated a lot, so much so that he wasted a whole Saturday trying to recover.  I got up and did what I had to do to get things done.

I can’t compete with alcohol.  It’s not like a person who is trying to steal him away.  I don’t know what to do any more. My kids need me and I know he needs the kids but should I let him be in our lives knowing he is the way he is?

My kids seem me unhappy more than I’m not.  That is not good.  My kids should see a marriage that they want to have in their future.  Instead they see fighting and yelling and just a lack or respect for one another.

I shouldn’t have gotten as mad as I did tonight but he honestly made me feel awful.  He has his cake and can eat it too.  He moved the trailer to his friends how while we were separated for a few weeks and never brought it back so when we argued tonight he said “I’m leaving.”  He didn’t even apologize for drinking when he promised he wouldn’t during the week.  He didn’t even try to explain.  He lied about it first and then just said “I’m leaving”.  That pretty much means that the ball is in his court and whatever I say or do doesn’t matter any more.  I cannot win.  I never had a chance.