We are home together again.  He came home on Tuesday and we’ve been working on trying to be a family again.

It’s been a good couple of days but my Husband is on call so can’t drink for the entire week while he is on call. I should be happy and I am, sort of.  But to be honest I’m lonely.  When he is on call he says he feels like he is in jail because he can’t leave or do anything and so he tends to make himself very busy.  I am assuming so that the time will fly by and he goes to sleep very early every night and gets up super early every day when he is on call.

I want to be happy, I want us to be happy but even when he is on call there is still this looming feeling of things not being right.  He is working on an addition, a small office for me and I truly appreciate it but it’s the holidays.  I never get help with Christmas shopping, not even for the kids.  I have even shopped and made gifts for his family, he hasn’t helped at all.  I bought a sort of expensive gift for my Father, something I have not done in years but I found something I knew he would like and bought it.  The Hubby asked when he saw the receipt and I said I bought a jacket for my Dad.  I told him I planned on giving some money to his Mom to equal the cost of the jacket as I had purchased a bedding set for her.  I don’t know if she has ever had a new bedroom set but I bought it for her hoping she might love it.  He didn’t balk at the fact that I  had paid a lot for my Dad’s gift in fact he had no emotion at all.

That’s what I get often…nothing.  It’s hard sometimes because I often feel alone.  I feel like a single Mom and he is just a person living in our life.  I want to scream at him and tell him how I feel but instead I will look like a bitch so I keep it to myself now.  I don’t say anything.  I don’t want to be told I’m controlling.  I hate that word.  I have come to resent the person I have to be because of our situation.

It’s my situation too.  I know I could walk away but I love him and we have kids.  We have a marriage and I shouldn’t give up so quickly on our marriage.  He is a good man, he is not evil and does so many good things for so many.  He tends to do more for other than for me but he is a good person.  I was in church this morning listening to our Pastor during the homily and I kept thinking about my life and Mary’s life.  Mary was so strong and committed to her faith and the life she was given.  She did not make her own decision it was handed to her.  I thought about my life and the fact that I didn’t plan on marrying an alcoholic.  I didn’t plan on having to deal with this but that is my life now.  So I have to make it better, for me and for my kids.  My son, our youngest, loves his Father but I know that he could live without him.  I know that my Husband could live without me, not sure he could live without our youngest.  I know he loves my son but it’s not the same love he has for his son.

This hurts me a lot to say these words, to say that I know he could live without me.  I know that when he is trying to make things work he is doing it because of the kids.  The kids are my parents right now and will be there through tomorrow evening and I can guarantee our evening will be just like any other.  He will do his thing and I will end up doing my thing. That means getting ready for the week, maybe laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping.  He will clean up the garage,maybe work on the addition and then come inside and watch TV before going to bed.   We will talk about the house or the kids, but rarely talk about us.  We talk about us when we are having trouble.  Tuesday when he promised me he wanted to make things work and he asked if I would go shopping with him he grabbed my hand when we were out.  He kept grabbing my hand and I could tell he was trying, that was Tuesday.  By Wednesday that loving person was gone again.  It was an act.  An act to get back into our life.

It also hurts me to know that I could live without him.  I know because I am responsible for almost everything with the exception of a few mechanical things that I’m sure I could get someone else to do.  I wonder if we are really going to make it.  I love him and I know he loves me but I don’t know that we are in love with each other any more.  This makes me sad, very sad.